Washington---I.C.

After being in Washington D.C. for the fourth day of my spring break, I've come to find that I like walking. A lot.

Normally, walking around campus would cause me curse under my breath, hating NKU, hating everyone there, throwing my fist at the wind and hoping it will back down from my furious threats and angery words, and fuck that hill, man. Capitol Hill is about the only hill of which I will kiss its grounds. The sidewalk, Jesus, you could eat pork chops off of it. The people don't look at you funny (although I've had some whistles and woots and black men in Escalades, wearing Raybans waving at me on my way back from Stanton Square) or scoff for not wearing a pencil-skirt to your job at a law firm like I thought they would.

A lot of people notice you looking around in your Eyewitness Washington D.C. handbook and they stop, do their rubbernecking and politely ask you, "Do you need any help?" They're late for their business meeting and they still need to stop at the grocery store to pick up more hair-loss prevention treatment but they stop and help me. I feel foolish walking around, or turning around most of the time, and I'm pulling out my five maps and pointing at them, then pointing at streets, and then shoving my nose and my index finger back in the handbook as I'm mouthing directions to myself. I'm a typical D.C. tourist. I feel fine for a second because I've seen more school children at the Capitol building than I have anywhere else. And I've gained much appreciation for some of these kids.

I went to Folger's Shakespeare Library today. (I hate Shakespeare but what the hell. It was a museum). Right when I walked in, some nice old lady in one of those Fruit of the Loom sweatshirts with that paint glue shit all over it, holding down a stenciled dancing teddy bear, asks me, "Are you here for the student performance?" I am NOT. I say. It wasn't an offensive reply, rather, a piqued interest in this..."student performance" in Shakespeare's Library. Shhh. That's what I kept thinking for some reason, shhh. And I took one of her cookies she offered. I entered the theater and heard these kids hooping and hollering after each performance these middle-schoolers and high-schoolers were putting on onstage. Some school thespian clubs were acting out some of Shakespeare's plays. They were all in a nutshell and there was serious intelligent humor implemented in the scenes. The dialogue and the style were kind of ripping on Willy and at the same time, tipping their hat. The fed Shakespeare some of his own satire.

I don't know if they wrote the scenes themselves or not (probably not) but the audience was primarily the other fellow groups or a few sets of parents. Either way, I've never heard so many kids laughing and applauding and whistling and cheering on The Taming of the Shrew. They genuinely appreciated this stuff. These are the loudest eleven- and 17-year-olds I've ever heard. I thought it was fantastic. This was wit.

I also learned there that some dude that wrote a book in the 1500 or 1600s dedicated to James I admitting to his fraud of claiming he preached sermons in his sleep. James I took him to court and embarrassed the hell out of him. So what did this guy do? Kiss ass and dedicated the book to him. The exhibit was cool. All about sleep and different theories and philosophies on...well, everything about sleep. People had wonderful penmanship. They probably had carpel-tunnel, but damn, their F's are ASTOUNDING.

I also spent 7 bucks on cigarettes yesterday. Now I know why I see three smokers a day out on the street.

I wasn't allowed into the US Capitol today because I was carrying some perfume. Security stopped me and told me that I could either give it to someone to hold onto (not an option) or put it in a rubber glove and then into "the waste bin" (definitely not an option). What the fuck is perfume going to do to The Capitol. THREAT TO AMERICA. ORANGE LEVEL THREAT. BE CAREFUL. IT MIGHT FUCKING EXPLODE.

I bought The Best American Non-Required Reading today at Union Terminal. I could've gotten it at home but I'm almost done with Magical Thinking by Burroughs. Well, "almost" meaning half-way through. This mention wasn't really necessary. I could select and delete but I don't feel like it. Eggars will edit it for me later.

I've watched a lot of movies, I've eaten good pizza, I MADE dinner (it was actually pretty fucking good), I've seen tons of bums (one of which specified a two-dollar donation, not "just a little spare change"), and I've learned some neat shit. Which is always good.

The Libarary of Congress was fucking sweet. Beautiful. Saw some exhibit on "Creating the Constitution" and I got all of my documents mixed up while walking through the exhibit. I kept reading about The Constitution while I had the idea that I was reading about The Declaration of Independence. I haven't had a history class in a while. There was even another Lincoln exhibit that followed Jefferson's library (that dude read a lot of fucking books). I saw some election campaign pins that I found to be really cool. The pin flipped from Abe's face to [whomever the dude he was running against, I forget]. I would've flipped to the five-dollar bill man. I'll never understand my fascination with him.

I really want to go to Ford's Theater but I'm waiting on Brad to see if he's going to get a day off so that we can go together. I guess it's been shut down for some restoration for three years or so. Brad's only been here for three years so it may have been longer. It opened back up about three weeks ago and so I'm going. I'm definitely going. Brad needs to figure out his shit because I just know I'm going. And the purpose? To sit down, take a breath, yell "I SUMMON YOU, JOHN WILKES BOOTH. COME FORTH SO I MAY SEEK MY REVENGE!" Hopefully he'll listen to my demand and suddenly appear and then we can duel. With guns. I don't know how to use a gun but after I finish this blog, I'm asking Google how to blow off Booth's nose. How dare he fuck with MY president.

I ate a 7 dollar breakfast today. What did I have? A blueberry bagel with cream cheese and a crappy iced mocha latte. That's it. Welp, thanks D.C. for robbin' the poor.

I had a rough couple days when I first got here. I'm really glad I have a family that cares enough to call and check up on me and see how it's all going. Or to get a text. I'm upset about the whole "You and I are in two different places in our lives right now, ya know?" discussion and the "I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. Like, before you got here" apology. That was pretty lame. I hated going through weeks of stress because I questioned our relationship daily. I was too afraid to ask and he was too afraid to say anything. I have come to the question, "What the hell am I doing with a 28-year-old working for the government? In D.C.? With two college degrees? An ECONOMIST?" It all started with a compliment on a cardigan and then, WHAM. First time flying by myself. First time leaving Kentucky that was further than a state away. First time having a GROWN UP as a boyfriend. I loved feeling protected and treated like an adult, not having to worry about him getting jealous and suspecting I'm cheating on him with some dude I hang out with or getting pissy with me if I don't hang out with him every day. It was liberating. It was a good getaway. And I feel great about it. I'm not jumping for joy but I am proud of myself for getting up this morning and getting my ass out there and seeing things. And without checking my watch constantly for the sole purpose of counting down the hours I have to waste until Brad gets home from work. It was nice of him to still let me stay me at his place and to want to still hang out and make me feel welcome. I didn't feel welcome Saturday until I asked him if he really wanted me to be here. Prior to me asking this, he was short, he was bored, he seemed annoyed by me, I felt insulted a few times, and really, it was probably him trying to get me to say something. He had been doing this for two weeks. Not the best way to go about that, man. He knows that, too. He should've said something. Getting drunk and telling me that "this won't work" over the phone a couple weekends ago doesn't count as an attempt. Anyway, it's really a waste of time to rehash on whatever happened.

I'm just really glad I have people in my life that influence me to be a better, more mature person. People like Alex and Nathan and Natalie mostly.

Mom has been really great ever since I got here, too. I think this gives her and Marvin some time to themselves and she knows that this is a time for me to experience things on my own, even if it's just me visiting some building or monument. She's helped me get to places and she's helped me figure out how the hell to put a pasta dinner together.

Alex has made me feel like I'm capable of things I wouldn't ever believe I could do. And I've already started doing it. He's reassured me. He's given me confidence and he's taught me how to be a better person overall. Not just taught me, inspired me. I want to not only make him proud, but I want to show him that he's right. He proves to himself that he can do things everyday, so he basically asks me, "why can't you?" without sounding like he's better than me because he accomplishes more in a day than I and generally does them better.

As much as I look up to my brothers and as much as I want to be more like them than any other person, I will never feel jealousy. True jealousy. I will only look to them as the prime example of how I want to and should live my life. Not their life, but mine. Freely and without oppression or judgment from my mother or anyone else.

I want to get out and do something and experience new things. I want to get the fuck out of NKU and gather the pieces that will someday form my future so I can start living my life. I want to do well in school. I don't want to disappoint my mom after she sees that I've failed most of my classes at the end of the semester. This is almost a certainty. I just don't want to have to ever do it again. I want to earn my own money and not bitch about my shitty job. I want to find the appreciation that I have for things and push them into my life more. I want to feel like I'm useful and something bigger. I'm bigger than my body (thanks, John Mayer) and I'm capable. Just stop acting like a handicapped low-life and just do it.

I will never forget Nathan's words when he told me, "Okay, look at this. Now, ask yourself, how can I make this better? And make it better." He said that to me after I asked him to look over my first homework assignment on the first day back to high school after dropping out for a year. I graduated with a 3.8 GPA.

Natalie has been the best friend I've ever had in my entire life. We don't hang out and watch movies or go have fun somewhere but I'm connected to her just as well. I wish we could hang out just as much as I want to hang out with Alex. She really does make hard times seem easier and I've never felt so much support from a person that's not Alex. I know that I can trust her advice and I like the feeling that she will always be there without me taking that, or her, for granted. We relate from each other's past experiences and general views so if I get down, she can always help pick me back up. She's such a great person and I'm so glad Alex found someone like her. I didn't even know someone like her even existed. She's different and she's funny and she's pretty much the sweetest person I've ever met. She wants to help out people and she's just great. I look up to her because she somehow manages to do...everything. And she'll do it in a day and still manages to get in a nap sometimes. Natalie is a good person and I'm very grateful for the fact that she's definitely one of the people that have permanently inspired some sort of change my life.

Nathan is someone that is, unless he's pissed, of short words. He can say something upright and stand on it. His advice is heavy, usually intimidating, and if anyone else were to say it the way he says it, I'd say "Fuck you, buddy". I know his intentions are strong and full of love so I don't really want him to address me any differently. For instance: "Hey, Emily. Go fucking study. NOW. Do it! Fucking DO it! Because I SAID so, JERK." That's comforting and it doesn't make me feel uncomfortable to say so. I'm not so "defensive", as he used to put it, anymore and I've realized that I usually have his attitude towards people and a lot of people generally don't like me because of it. But we both have the same attitude that says, "Hey man, if you don't like it, fuck off." And we get over it. I like that. It's not necessarily positive but it makes me feel stronger. So I don't let people get to me. It's quick and done with and we can just move onto the next. I think Nathan's always kind of seen himself as a father figure to us ever since the divorce and knowing that Dad isn't around as much as we needed him to be, he took hold just a few years ago and I got to actually know my brother. I finally got to say that I love him and actually say it comfortably. I don't think I've ever actually told Nathan that I loved him until about three years ago? I really don't know. But he knows what I'm talking about. It feels good to have solid connection now. He's one of the people I want to affect my life til the end of it.


These past couple weeks have been fucking intense to say the least and without my family, I can't say that I could've gotten through it and ended up feeling good about it. Thank you guys. My world is beautiful with you in it.