Washington---I.C.

After being in Washington D.C. for the fourth day of my spring break, I've come to find that I like walking. A lot.

Normally, walking around campus would cause me curse under my breath, hating NKU, hating everyone there, throwing my fist at the wind and hoping it will back down from my furious threats and angery words, and fuck that hill, man. Capitol Hill is about the only hill of which I will kiss its grounds. The sidewalk, Jesus, you could eat pork chops off of it. The people don't look at you funny (although I've had some whistles and woots and black men in Escalades, wearing Raybans waving at me on my way back from Stanton Square) or scoff for not wearing a pencil-skirt to your job at a law firm like I thought they would.

A lot of people notice you looking around in your Eyewitness Washington D.C. handbook and they stop, do their rubbernecking and politely ask you, "Do you need any help?" They're late for their business meeting and they still need to stop at the grocery store to pick up more hair-loss prevention treatment but they stop and help me. I feel foolish walking around, or turning around most of the time, and I'm pulling out my five maps and pointing at them, then pointing at streets, and then shoving my nose and my index finger back in the handbook as I'm mouthing directions to myself. I'm a typical D.C. tourist. I feel fine for a second because I've seen more school children at the Capitol building than I have anywhere else. And I've gained much appreciation for some of these kids.

I went to Folger's Shakespeare Library today. (I hate Shakespeare but what the hell. It was a museum). Right when I walked in, some nice old lady in one of those Fruit of the Loom sweatshirts with that paint glue shit all over it, holding down a stenciled dancing teddy bear, asks me, "Are you here for the student performance?" I am NOT. I say. It wasn't an offensive reply, rather, a piqued interest in this..."student performance" in Shakespeare's Library. Shhh. That's what I kept thinking for some reason, shhh. And I took one of her cookies she offered. I entered the theater and heard these kids hooping and hollering after each performance these middle-schoolers and high-schoolers were putting on onstage. Some school thespian clubs were acting out some of Shakespeare's plays. They were all in a nutshell and there was serious intelligent humor implemented in the scenes. The dialogue and the style were kind of ripping on Willy and at the same time, tipping their hat. The fed Shakespeare some of his own satire.

I don't know if they wrote the scenes themselves or not (probably not) but the audience was primarily the other fellow groups or a few sets of parents. Either way, I've never heard so many kids laughing and applauding and whistling and cheering on The Taming of the Shrew. They genuinely appreciated this stuff. These are the loudest eleven- and 17-year-olds I've ever heard. I thought it was fantastic. This was wit.

I also learned there that some dude that wrote a book in the 1500 or 1600s dedicated to James I admitting to his fraud of claiming he preached sermons in his sleep. James I took him to court and embarrassed the hell out of him. So what did this guy do? Kiss ass and dedicated the book to him. The exhibit was cool. All about sleep and different theories and philosophies on...well, everything about sleep. People had wonderful penmanship. They probably had carpel-tunnel, but damn, their F's are ASTOUNDING.

I also spent 7 bucks on cigarettes yesterday. Now I know why I see three smokers a day out on the street.

I wasn't allowed into the US Capitol today because I was carrying some perfume. Security stopped me and told me that I could either give it to someone to hold onto (not an option) or put it in a rubber glove and then into "the waste bin" (definitely not an option). What the fuck is perfume going to do to The Capitol. THREAT TO AMERICA. ORANGE LEVEL THREAT. BE CAREFUL. IT MIGHT FUCKING EXPLODE.

I bought The Best American Non-Required Reading today at Union Terminal. I could've gotten it at home but I'm almost done with Magical Thinking by Burroughs. Well, "almost" meaning half-way through. This mention wasn't really necessary. I could select and delete but I don't feel like it. Eggars will edit it for me later.

I've watched a lot of movies, I've eaten good pizza, I MADE dinner (it was actually pretty fucking good), I've seen tons of bums (one of which specified a two-dollar donation, not "just a little spare change"), and I've learned some neat shit. Which is always good.

The Libarary of Congress was fucking sweet. Beautiful. Saw some exhibit on "Creating the Constitution" and I got all of my documents mixed up while walking through the exhibit. I kept reading about The Constitution while I had the idea that I was reading about The Declaration of Independence. I haven't had a history class in a while. There was even another Lincoln exhibit that followed Jefferson's library (that dude read a lot of fucking books). I saw some election campaign pins that I found to be really cool. The pin flipped from Abe's face to [whomever the dude he was running against, I forget]. I would've flipped to the five-dollar bill man. I'll never understand my fascination with him.

I really want to go to Ford's Theater but I'm waiting on Brad to see if he's going to get a day off so that we can go together. I guess it's been shut down for some restoration for three years or so. Brad's only been here for three years so it may have been longer. It opened back up about three weeks ago and so I'm going. I'm definitely going. Brad needs to figure out his shit because I just know I'm going. And the purpose? To sit down, take a breath, yell "I SUMMON YOU, JOHN WILKES BOOTH. COME FORTH SO I MAY SEEK MY REVENGE!" Hopefully he'll listen to my demand and suddenly appear and then we can duel. With guns. I don't know how to use a gun but after I finish this blog, I'm asking Google how to blow off Booth's nose. How dare he fuck with MY president.

I ate a 7 dollar breakfast today. What did I have? A blueberry bagel with cream cheese and a crappy iced mocha latte. That's it. Welp, thanks D.C. for robbin' the poor.

I had a rough couple days when I first got here. I'm really glad I have a family that cares enough to call and check up on me and see how it's all going. Or to get a text. I'm upset about the whole "You and I are in two different places in our lives right now, ya know?" discussion and the "I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. Like, before you got here" apology. That was pretty lame. I hated going through weeks of stress because I questioned our relationship daily. I was too afraid to ask and he was too afraid to say anything. I have come to the question, "What the hell am I doing with a 28-year-old working for the government? In D.C.? With two college degrees? An ECONOMIST?" It all started with a compliment on a cardigan and then, WHAM. First time flying by myself. First time leaving Kentucky that was further than a state away. First time having a GROWN UP as a boyfriend. I loved feeling protected and treated like an adult, not having to worry about him getting jealous and suspecting I'm cheating on him with some dude I hang out with or getting pissy with me if I don't hang out with him every day. It was liberating. It was a good getaway. And I feel great about it. I'm not jumping for joy but I am proud of myself for getting up this morning and getting my ass out there and seeing things. And without checking my watch constantly for the sole purpose of counting down the hours I have to waste until Brad gets home from work. It was nice of him to still let me stay me at his place and to want to still hang out and make me feel welcome. I didn't feel welcome Saturday until I asked him if he really wanted me to be here. Prior to me asking this, he was short, he was bored, he seemed annoyed by me, I felt insulted a few times, and really, it was probably him trying to get me to say something. He had been doing this for two weeks. Not the best way to go about that, man. He knows that, too. He should've said something. Getting drunk and telling me that "this won't work" over the phone a couple weekends ago doesn't count as an attempt. Anyway, it's really a waste of time to rehash on whatever happened.

I'm just really glad I have people in my life that influence me to be a better, more mature person. People like Alex and Nathan and Natalie mostly.

Mom has been really great ever since I got here, too. I think this gives her and Marvin some time to themselves and she knows that this is a time for me to experience things on my own, even if it's just me visiting some building or monument. She's helped me get to places and she's helped me figure out how the hell to put a pasta dinner together.

Alex has made me feel like I'm capable of things I wouldn't ever believe I could do. And I've already started doing it. He's reassured me. He's given me confidence and he's taught me how to be a better person overall. Not just taught me, inspired me. I want to not only make him proud, but I want to show him that he's right. He proves to himself that he can do things everyday, so he basically asks me, "why can't you?" without sounding like he's better than me because he accomplishes more in a day than I and generally does them better.

As much as I look up to my brothers and as much as I want to be more like them than any other person, I will never feel jealousy. True jealousy. I will only look to them as the prime example of how I want to and should live my life. Not their life, but mine. Freely and without oppression or judgment from my mother or anyone else.

I want to get out and do something and experience new things. I want to get the fuck out of NKU and gather the pieces that will someday form my future so I can start living my life. I want to do well in school. I don't want to disappoint my mom after she sees that I've failed most of my classes at the end of the semester. This is almost a certainty. I just don't want to have to ever do it again. I want to earn my own money and not bitch about my shitty job. I want to find the appreciation that I have for things and push them into my life more. I want to feel like I'm useful and something bigger. I'm bigger than my body (thanks, John Mayer) and I'm capable. Just stop acting like a handicapped low-life and just do it.

I will never forget Nathan's words when he told me, "Okay, look at this. Now, ask yourself, how can I make this better? And make it better." He said that to me after I asked him to look over my first homework assignment on the first day back to high school after dropping out for a year. I graduated with a 3.8 GPA.

Natalie has been the best friend I've ever had in my entire life. We don't hang out and watch movies or go have fun somewhere but I'm connected to her just as well. I wish we could hang out just as much as I want to hang out with Alex. She really does make hard times seem easier and I've never felt so much support from a person that's not Alex. I know that I can trust her advice and I like the feeling that she will always be there without me taking that, or her, for granted. We relate from each other's past experiences and general views so if I get down, she can always help pick me back up. She's such a great person and I'm so glad Alex found someone like her. I didn't even know someone like her even existed. She's different and she's funny and she's pretty much the sweetest person I've ever met. She wants to help out people and she's just great. I look up to her because she somehow manages to do...everything. And she'll do it in a day and still manages to get in a nap sometimes. Natalie is a good person and I'm very grateful for the fact that she's definitely one of the people that have permanently inspired some sort of change my life.

Nathan is someone that is, unless he's pissed, of short words. He can say something upright and stand on it. His advice is heavy, usually intimidating, and if anyone else were to say it the way he says it, I'd say "Fuck you, buddy". I know his intentions are strong and full of love so I don't really want him to address me any differently. For instance: "Hey, Emily. Go fucking study. NOW. Do it! Fucking DO it! Because I SAID so, JERK." That's comforting and it doesn't make me feel uncomfortable to say so. I'm not so "defensive", as he used to put it, anymore and I've realized that I usually have his attitude towards people and a lot of people generally don't like me because of it. But we both have the same attitude that says, "Hey man, if you don't like it, fuck off." And we get over it. I like that. It's not necessarily positive but it makes me feel stronger. So I don't let people get to me. It's quick and done with and we can just move onto the next. I think Nathan's always kind of seen himself as a father figure to us ever since the divorce and knowing that Dad isn't around as much as we needed him to be, he took hold just a few years ago and I got to actually know my brother. I finally got to say that I love him and actually say it comfortably. I don't think I've ever actually told Nathan that I loved him until about three years ago? I really don't know. But he knows what I'm talking about. It feels good to have solid connection now. He's one of the people I want to affect my life til the end of it.


These past couple weeks have been fucking intense to say the least and without my family, I can't say that I could've gotten through it and ended up feeling good about it. Thank you guys. My world is beautiful with you in it.

I'm in Ohio watching "Gonzo"

Who the fuck thought it would be a good idea to invent a scent Black Raspberry and Vanilla??? ILL TELL YA WHO. SOFTSOAP. And it's fucking gross. It smells like I just shit on my hands after I shit in the toilet. What's the point in that?

James Frey (or Fray?). Yeah, I know he's a liar. That dude is a douchebag. And so is Oprah for believing that shit. Either way, I like Fray/Frey's style and whether it's a book full of lies or not, I don't give a shit, it's a-ok with me. I've begun to read A Million Little Pieces and it's obnoxious and that's what he means to do. Just be obnoxious and raw. Kind of like trendy emo lyricists.

I'm watching Gonzo right now. I know hardly anything about Hunter S. Thompson but I started watching it thinking it was a biographical documentary about The Muppets.

My eight-year-old sister kicked my ass at Rock Band this weekend. You should see that little girl rock Roxanne. Too many rocks.

I saw The Wrestler last night. It wasn't very exciting to me. But I was also really drunk. I was really drunk because the bartender claimed he had run out of rum. How the fuck do you run out of rum?? So he gave me Crown "for the same price". I hate whiskey and I didn't ask for whiskey and apparently Crown is really expensive whiskey and I wanted rum but I took the whiskey because that's all they had.

Hunter S. Thompson looks like Todd Barry. And Todd Barry is funny. Hunter S. Thompson just took a lot of acid.

I should shave Brady. I already miss that stupid cat. I can't wait to go home tonight.

My step-brother is driving me nuts. He's that bipolar piece of shit that doesn't take no shit from nobody. Meaning, he sucks this family's money dry, doesn't pay rent, doesn't go to school, doesn't have a job, and he stresses out my dad's (already bad) heart. I hate that kid. He pushed my sister down last night and my dad and I almost fucking ripped his greasy head off. My sis is tough so she wasn't too pissed about it. Just got up and walked away. But I'm sick of this kid and I'm way over it. And his mom is all about protecting her little baby even though shes just as sick of him. She treats him like he's like, 18 or something. Like, he just needs to get up on his feet. He's learning to crawl. That means he has a safety net here at our house. He's safe here. Problem is, my dad has REAL kids to help out, primarily my sister. Whatever. They'll get it one day I hope.

I found out last night that it's not such a good idea to surprise your parents when they're sleeping. I walked in drunk as shit last night and I went into my bedroom and Dad was sleeping in my bed. I thought it was my step-brother and I went to say, "Brandon! What are you doing in my---" and my dad turned his head, no, swung his head around, eyes wide open, mouth agape and gasping and says, "SLEEP IN THE DOLL ROOM!" and I felt really terrible for scaring my dad. I apologized but I don't think he cared at that point.

I love watching people do drugs because then I don't have to and it's more entertaining. I guess that's what straight-edge people think and I hate that but people look more funny when they're doing it and you just wonder what they're seeing and thinking. That's more of a challenge. Thompson was a fuckin weird dude.

I'm going to go get a shower and smoke a cigarette and watch Hunter S. Thompson almost kill himself (LOL) and another person driving and doing drugs and doing more drugs.

GET OFFENDED. This is a religious blog post.

"It's not some dude with a big white beard that lives on a cloud..." Name that TV show.

Zeus is the only God. He's real. He's made of stone in Greece. That means he's real. Jesus is just some painting and on a necklace. Some people say Jesus is God, so in the following writing, I'm going with that. 

He doesn't look powerful like Zeus does. Zeus throws bolts (Zeus, The Thunderer). Jesus...he just...gives people bread and shit. Oh whoop-de-doo.

Zeus vs. Jesus:

!ZEUS!
-"...Zeus sprang from the couch and grabbed his thunderbolt. As the gods fell to their knees begging and pleading for mercy, he seized Hera and hung her from the sky with gold chains. She wept in pain all night but, none of the others dared to help her. The weeping kept Zeus up and the next morning he agreed to release her if she would swear never to go against him. She had little choice but, to agree. While she never again rebelled, she often intrigued against Zeus's plans and she was often able to outwit him."

-"She gave him a drug that would make his father VOMIT UP THE FIVE CHILDREN that he had previously devoured and still carried in his body." (This is important because Zeus escaped being swallowed by his father. Trickery with stones. Trickery, and seeing through others' one of Zeus' many powers/strengths.)

-"Zeus delivered the monsters and was victorious." 

-Zeus had a number of wives who bore him many children. (Zeus got some serious ladies. And they were hot.)

-Zeus TURNED Pandareus to STONE for stealing the golden dog which had guarded him as an infant in the holy Dictaeon Cave of Crete. (Oh yeah, and he grew up in a fucking CAVE with Cyclops.)

-"Zeus KILLED Salmoneus WITH A THUNDERBOLT for attempting to impersonate him, riding around in a bronze chariot and LOUDLY IMITATING THUNDER." (There can only be one.)

-Zeus turned Periphas into an eagle after his death, as a reward for being righteous and just. (And America doesn't even have a clue...)

-"At the marriage of Zeus and Hera, a nymph named Chelone refused to attend. Zeus transformed her into a tortoise." (And going to your little brat's Christmas play was more IMPORTANT? No longer Chelone; Now Franklin The Turtle.)

-Zeus, with Hera, TURNED King Haemus and Queen Rhodope INTO MOUNTAINS. (You don't fuck with mountains.)

-Zeus condemned Tantalus to ETERNAL TORTURE in Tartarus for trying to trick the gods into EATING THE FLESH OF HIS BUTCHERED SON. (This is the most sickeningly awesome thing I've ever heard of any God ever doing.)

-Zeus condemned Ixion to be tied to a FIERY WHEEL FOR ETERNITY as punishment for attempting to violate Hera. (The fiery wheels in the sky keep on turnin for Ixion. Zeus doesn't play games. Bar fight is not in Zeus' dictionary. Journey, however, happens to be on his "On-the-Go" playlist on his iPod.)

-Zeus SUNK the Telchines beneath the sea for blighting the earth with their fell magics. (Zeus > Titanic's berg.) 

-Zeus BLINDED the seer Phineus and sent the Harpies to plague him as punishment for revealing the secrets of the gods. (Jesus cured blindness, Zeus got pissed and blinded someone. Some people do things differently than others.)

-Zeus punished Hera by having her HUNG UPSIDE DOWN down from the sky when she attempted to drown Heracles in a storm.

-Zeus condemned Prometheus to having HIS LIVER EATEN BY A GIANT EAGLE for giving the Flames of Olympus to the mortals. (Haven't you ever seen Hercules?--the Disney version. Gods do NOT agree with mortals. They're always mad at each other.)

*Not only does he own the sky and all the other gods, but he owns this.
(Some added emphasis, but all factual. Thanks, Wiki. Trustworthy and honest Wiki.)

!JESUS!


-"And found in the temple those that sold oxen and sheep and doves, and the changers of money sitting: And when he had made a scourge of small cords, he drove them all out of the temple, and the sheep, and the oxen; and poured out the changers' money, and overthrew the tables; And said unto them that sold doves, 'Take these things hence; make not my Father's house a house of merchandise.'" (I thought Jesus was all about forgiveness and love. Overthrowing tables and kicking people out of the party? Come on now, those are GUESTS. And as far as I'm concerned, Israel or Egypt or where ever the fuck he was at this time, was there before you, man. You're in their town.)

-"...while my glory passeth by, that I will put thee in a cleft of the rock, and will cover thee with my hand while I pass by: and I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back parts; but my face shall not be seen." (Jesus! Woah! Woah, man! That's not telling Moses off. That's embarrassing and just obnoxious. Mooning the man who spread the seas is disrespectful.) 

-"And I beheld, and lo, in the midst of the throne and of the four beasts, and in the midst of the elders, stood a Lamb as it had been slain, having seven horns and seven eyes, which are the seven Spirits of God sent forth into all the earth." (So, I'm not entirely sure if this is Jesus with the horns and multiple eyes but either way, but it IS describing heaven. Zeus has clouds and lots of women and birds and shit. Go to Olympus. I'm going to make flyers. Eternal house party at Zeus' place.)

-""For, behold, the day cometh, that shall burn as an oven; and all the proud, yea, and all that do wickedly shall be stubble: and the day that cometh shall burn them up, saith the LORD of hosts, that it shall leave them neither root nor branch."" (A threat means nothing until it's carried out. If you promise 2012, then keep your word. As far as I'm concerned, if Zeus desired to cast fire into the sky and let it rain balls of fire, then he would. He doesn't see it as being necessary. He likes ruling. Why tear up the kingdom that gives you a big head and an ego trip? The power. Zeus would be jobless. He already looks like a squatter.)

-"Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. And a man's foes shall be they of his own household." (Where the HELL do you get off, Jesus? Swords? Fighting? Vengeance? Good God (pun not intended LOL!!), calm down. No more personal attacks. Let Zeus handle it. He's got it.)

-"'I am the root and offspring of David, and the bright and morning star.'" (Oh, btw, Morning star = SATAN.)

-"Then the earth shook and trembled; the foundations also of the hills moved and were shaken, because he was wroth. There went up a smoke out of his nostrils and fire out of his mouth devoured: coals were kindled by it. He bowed the heavens also, and came down: and darkness was under his feet. And he rode upon a cherub, and did fly: yea, he did fly upon the wings of the wind. He made darkness his secret place; his pavilion round about him were dark waters and thick clouds of the skies." (Fuck heaven, man. I'm not going. I was promised grapes and hugs and love and when I was eight, I knew Jonathan Taylor Thomas would be there and we'd be in love and together forever. I don't think this will happen. I don't trust it.)

-"Samaria shall become desolate; for she hath rebelled against her God: they shall fall by the sword: their infants shall be dashed in pieces, and their women with child shall be ripped up." (Dude,...why? Baby Geniuses pissed SOMEONE off.)

Enough bible quotes, let's look at some facts:

-Jesus was Jewish, right? How come he was so humble yet now all of the Jews are greedy and live up to their stereotypes? How do we know he wasn't some gold-hoarding thief? We DON'T.

-He will take His people to heaven. (Zeus will take New Orleans.)

-He will never send you away if you come to Him. (If you come to Zeus, maybe you'll turn into an eagle. That's nice.)

-"His blood sanctifies man." (Zeus sheds men's blood.)

-He came to save sinners. (Zeus came to punish sinners like that military father you feared so much. Zeus has the ELECTRIC belt.)

-He will bring in everlasting righteousness. (It's not that Zeus WILL, it's that Zeus DOES.)

-He destroyed the works of Satan. (Zeus is BROTHERS with Hades and still took down entire armies. Hades isn't the devil, he just works with the dead. Like a mortician. Zeus doesn't hate on family, dude. Why should Jesus hate on one of his disciples? Or angels, whatever.)

-Jesus came back from the dead. (So he was in there, caused a bunch of people trouble, pain, anger, whatever, dies, then comes out of a tomb, people are pissed, happy, hopeful, whatever, and then he goes, "Okay, guys. It's been fun! Thanks for the crown! Fuck you! Don't sin! Good luck with the stoning and everything! Keep believing in me! I saved you, so you're wrong, I'm right, fuck you!" and then goes home? Who does that?)

-Turned water into wine. (Why are people so amazed by this? People don't worship Rumpelstiltskin and unlike Jesus, he wanted a LIVING baby, not a "dashed" and "ripped up" child. Plus, Zeus turned into a swan or something and raped Hera for being unhappy in the marriage. I'm not saying rape rules, I'm saying that's some serious wrath. Water into wine? Who gives a shit? That was FILTHY wine). (btw, the site I found this had this at the bottom: "Wow! His first miracle! What do you think of that? Were you surprised at Jesus miracle? Did you know Jesus could perform miracles? Were you surprised that Jesus' wine was the best?" Drinking wine is OKAY, kids.)

-Jesus walks on water. (Zeus floats above the sea on a cloud and it's quicker that way. Walking on water was an illusion anyway. As much as I hate the dude, Blaine could do that. Easy. Glass was around then right? If not, clay works, too. Yeah, clay.)

-Oh yes I did go there: Jesus was crucified. (Zeus has never faultered. His lessers have tried but he overthrew HIS father who tried to eat him. All Jesus got was some myrrh, some smelly hippy frankincense, and a little baby bling wristwatch or something. That's not his fault though and I kind of feel bad that he got the shitty grab bags from the three wise men.)

-So the plague brought a bunch of frogs. And Magnolia didn't? Thanks for the pointless inspiration for a pointless movie. 

-Adam and Eve get thrown out of their home. (A garden, mind you. Apples are good and times is hard if you are just a rib. And you have a woman to provide for. The forbidden fruit. Sheesh. God may be asexual and may produce shit all on his own, but don't hate. If God got pissed that people are makin babies and doin the dirty, then 99.9% of people are FUCKED. Out of the garden you go, you ungrateful bastards. If he doesn't give a shit and thought he'd just sit back and devise another plan, then Heidi Fleiss is a fuckin saint and God better beam her up and give her that VIP. Zeus was having a bad day when Ivan came in here and tore this place UP. I'm sure he'd apologize if you just talk to him about it.)


There you have it. If I mistakenly confused Jesus with God, sorry but I don't give a shit at this point. I've written this much and I ain't goin back. Everyone gets offended by others' beliefs so I'm not going to apologize for defending his fist of fury.

Zeus, The Sky God.