GET OFFENDED. This is a religious blog post.

"It's not some dude with a big white beard that lives on a cloud..." Name that TV show.

Zeus is the only God. He's real. He's made of stone in Greece. That means he's real. Jesus is just some painting and on a necklace. Some people say Jesus is God, so in the following writing, I'm going with that. 

He doesn't look powerful like Zeus does. Zeus throws bolts (Zeus, The Thunderer). Jesus...he just...gives people bread and shit. Oh whoop-de-doo.

Zeus vs. Jesus:

!ZEUS!
-"...Zeus sprang from the couch and grabbed his thunderbolt. As the gods fell to their knees begging and pleading for mercy, he seized Hera and hung her from the sky with gold chains. She wept in pain all night but, none of the others dared to help her. The weeping kept Zeus up and the next morning he agreed to release her if she would swear never to go against him. She had little choice but, to agree. While she never again rebelled, she often intrigued against Zeus's plans and she was often able to outwit him."

-"She gave him a drug that would make his father VOMIT UP THE FIVE CHILDREN that he had previously devoured and still carried in his body." (This is important because Zeus escaped being swallowed by his father. Trickery with stones. Trickery, and seeing through others' one of Zeus' many powers/strengths.)

-"Zeus delivered the monsters and was victorious." 

-Zeus had a number of wives who bore him many children. (Zeus got some serious ladies. And they were hot.)

-Zeus TURNED Pandareus to STONE for stealing the golden dog which had guarded him as an infant in the holy Dictaeon Cave of Crete. (Oh yeah, and he grew up in a fucking CAVE with Cyclops.)

-"Zeus KILLED Salmoneus WITH A THUNDERBOLT for attempting to impersonate him, riding around in a bronze chariot and LOUDLY IMITATING THUNDER." (There can only be one.)

-Zeus turned Periphas into an eagle after his death, as a reward for being righteous and just. (And America doesn't even have a clue...)

-"At the marriage of Zeus and Hera, a nymph named Chelone refused to attend. Zeus transformed her into a tortoise." (And going to your little brat's Christmas play was more IMPORTANT? No longer Chelone; Now Franklin The Turtle.)

-Zeus, with Hera, TURNED King Haemus and Queen Rhodope INTO MOUNTAINS. (You don't fuck with mountains.)

-Zeus condemned Tantalus to ETERNAL TORTURE in Tartarus for trying to trick the gods into EATING THE FLESH OF HIS BUTCHERED SON. (This is the most sickeningly awesome thing I've ever heard of any God ever doing.)

-Zeus condemned Ixion to be tied to a FIERY WHEEL FOR ETERNITY as punishment for attempting to violate Hera. (The fiery wheels in the sky keep on turnin for Ixion. Zeus doesn't play games. Bar fight is not in Zeus' dictionary. Journey, however, happens to be on his "On-the-Go" playlist on his iPod.)

-Zeus SUNK the Telchines beneath the sea for blighting the earth with their fell magics. (Zeus > Titanic's berg.) 

-Zeus BLINDED the seer Phineus and sent the Harpies to plague him as punishment for revealing the secrets of the gods. (Jesus cured blindness, Zeus got pissed and blinded someone. Some people do things differently than others.)

-Zeus punished Hera by having her HUNG UPSIDE DOWN down from the sky when she attempted to drown Heracles in a storm.

-Zeus condemned Prometheus to having HIS LIVER EATEN BY A GIANT EAGLE for giving the Flames of Olympus to the mortals. (Haven't you ever seen Hercules?--the Disney version. Gods do NOT agree with mortals. They're always mad at each other.)

*Not only does he own the sky and all the other gods, but he owns this.
(Some added emphasis, but all factual. Thanks, Wiki. Trustworthy and honest Wiki.)

!JESUS!


-"And found in the temple those that sold oxen and sheep and doves, and the changers of money sitting: And when he had made a scourge of small cords, he drove them all out of the temple, and the sheep, and the oxen; and poured out the changers' money, and overthrew the tables; And said unto them that sold doves, 'Take these things hence; make not my Father's house a house of merchandise.'" (I thought Jesus was all about forgiveness and love. Overthrowing tables and kicking people out of the party? Come on now, those are GUESTS. And as far as I'm concerned, Israel or Egypt or where ever the fuck he was at this time, was there before you, man. You're in their town.)

-"...while my glory passeth by, that I will put thee in a cleft of the rock, and will cover thee with my hand while I pass by: and I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back parts; but my face shall not be seen." (Jesus! Woah! Woah, man! That's not telling Moses off. That's embarrassing and just obnoxious. Mooning the man who spread the seas is disrespectful.) 

-"And I beheld, and lo, in the midst of the throne and of the four beasts, and in the midst of the elders, stood a Lamb as it had been slain, having seven horns and seven eyes, which are the seven Spirits of God sent forth into all the earth." (So, I'm not entirely sure if this is Jesus with the horns and multiple eyes but either way, but it IS describing heaven. Zeus has clouds and lots of women and birds and shit. Go to Olympus. I'm going to make flyers. Eternal house party at Zeus' place.)

-""For, behold, the day cometh, that shall burn as an oven; and all the proud, yea, and all that do wickedly shall be stubble: and the day that cometh shall burn them up, saith the LORD of hosts, that it shall leave them neither root nor branch."" (A threat means nothing until it's carried out. If you promise 2012, then keep your word. As far as I'm concerned, if Zeus desired to cast fire into the sky and let it rain balls of fire, then he would. He doesn't see it as being necessary. He likes ruling. Why tear up the kingdom that gives you a big head and an ego trip? The power. Zeus would be jobless. He already looks like a squatter.)

-"Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. And a man's foes shall be they of his own household." (Where the HELL do you get off, Jesus? Swords? Fighting? Vengeance? Good God (pun not intended LOL!!), calm down. No more personal attacks. Let Zeus handle it. He's got it.)

-"'I am the root and offspring of David, and the bright and morning star.'" (Oh, btw, Morning star = SATAN.)

-"Then the earth shook and trembled; the foundations also of the hills moved and were shaken, because he was wroth. There went up a smoke out of his nostrils and fire out of his mouth devoured: coals were kindled by it. He bowed the heavens also, and came down: and darkness was under his feet. And he rode upon a cherub, and did fly: yea, he did fly upon the wings of the wind. He made darkness his secret place; his pavilion round about him were dark waters and thick clouds of the skies." (Fuck heaven, man. I'm not going. I was promised grapes and hugs and love and when I was eight, I knew Jonathan Taylor Thomas would be there and we'd be in love and together forever. I don't think this will happen. I don't trust it.)

-"Samaria shall become desolate; for she hath rebelled against her God: they shall fall by the sword: their infants shall be dashed in pieces, and their women with child shall be ripped up." (Dude,...why? Baby Geniuses pissed SOMEONE off.)

Enough bible quotes, let's look at some facts:

-Jesus was Jewish, right? How come he was so humble yet now all of the Jews are greedy and live up to their stereotypes? How do we know he wasn't some gold-hoarding thief? We DON'T.

-He will take His people to heaven. (Zeus will take New Orleans.)

-He will never send you away if you come to Him. (If you come to Zeus, maybe you'll turn into an eagle. That's nice.)

-"His blood sanctifies man." (Zeus sheds men's blood.)

-He came to save sinners. (Zeus came to punish sinners like that military father you feared so much. Zeus has the ELECTRIC belt.)

-He will bring in everlasting righteousness. (It's not that Zeus WILL, it's that Zeus DOES.)

-He destroyed the works of Satan. (Zeus is BROTHERS with Hades and still took down entire armies. Hades isn't the devil, he just works with the dead. Like a mortician. Zeus doesn't hate on family, dude. Why should Jesus hate on one of his disciples? Or angels, whatever.)

-Jesus came back from the dead. (So he was in there, caused a bunch of people trouble, pain, anger, whatever, dies, then comes out of a tomb, people are pissed, happy, hopeful, whatever, and then he goes, "Okay, guys. It's been fun! Thanks for the crown! Fuck you! Don't sin! Good luck with the stoning and everything! Keep believing in me! I saved you, so you're wrong, I'm right, fuck you!" and then goes home? Who does that?)

-Turned water into wine. (Why are people so amazed by this? People don't worship Rumpelstiltskin and unlike Jesus, he wanted a LIVING baby, not a "dashed" and "ripped up" child. Plus, Zeus turned into a swan or something and raped Hera for being unhappy in the marriage. I'm not saying rape rules, I'm saying that's some serious wrath. Water into wine? Who gives a shit? That was FILTHY wine). (btw, the site I found this had this at the bottom: "Wow! His first miracle! What do you think of that? Were you surprised at Jesus miracle? Did you know Jesus could perform miracles? Were you surprised that Jesus' wine was the best?" Drinking wine is OKAY, kids.)

-Jesus walks on water. (Zeus floats above the sea on a cloud and it's quicker that way. Walking on water was an illusion anyway. As much as I hate the dude, Blaine could do that. Easy. Glass was around then right? If not, clay works, too. Yeah, clay.)

-Oh yes I did go there: Jesus was crucified. (Zeus has never faultered. His lessers have tried but he overthrew HIS father who tried to eat him. All Jesus got was some myrrh, some smelly hippy frankincense, and a little baby bling wristwatch or something. That's not his fault though and I kind of feel bad that he got the shitty grab bags from the three wise men.)

-So the plague brought a bunch of frogs. And Magnolia didn't? Thanks for the pointless inspiration for a pointless movie. 

-Adam and Eve get thrown out of their home. (A garden, mind you. Apples are good and times is hard if you are just a rib. And you have a woman to provide for. The forbidden fruit. Sheesh. God may be asexual and may produce shit all on his own, but don't hate. If God got pissed that people are makin babies and doin the dirty, then 99.9% of people are FUCKED. Out of the garden you go, you ungrateful bastards. If he doesn't give a shit and thought he'd just sit back and devise another plan, then Heidi Fleiss is a fuckin saint and God better beam her up and give her that VIP. Zeus was having a bad day when Ivan came in here and tore this place UP. I'm sure he'd apologize if you just talk to him about it.)


There you have it. If I mistakenly confused Jesus with God, sorry but I don't give a shit at this point. I've written this much and I ain't goin back. Everyone gets offended by others' beliefs so I'm not going to apologize for defending his fist of fury.

Zeus, The Sky God.